


(5 O’clock) Shadow of a Man

by notsoheadless



Series: Earth (C)hill [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, Self-Hatred, The comfort's not in the fic yet that'll be later lol, also if it's not clear they're not in a relationship i'm keeping aligned with canon there, basically if you don't like the ship itll be like hearing the jaws theme from the other room at most, like slightly implied davekat but it's not even really mentioned enough to put it in the tag, they've been living together for 7 years mutual pining lksfhlsdfksdkfh, which reminds me
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-10
Updated: 2020-01-10
Packaged: 2021-02-19 09:50:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22009069
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notsoheadless/pseuds/notsoheadless
Summary: Dave and Dirk haven’t seen each other in person for a while, and Dave decides he needs some brotherly advice. Neither of them account for how much time can change a face, unfortunately, or for how familiar those changes might be.
Relationships: Dave Strider & Dirk Strider
Series: Earth (C)hill [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1597639
Comments: 14
Kudos: 44





	(5 O’clock) Shadow of a Man

**Author's Note:**

> This takes place on my version of Earth C, in which I've cherry picked the parts of the epilogue I wanted lol. So It's been 7 years since the end of the game like in the epilogues, but there's no ultimate self stuff. I think that's all the relevant info for this fic.

Your name is Dirk Strider, and it’s been a few years since the last time you’ve seen your brother (son?) in person. 

That’s okay though, you’re both pretty chill about it. So chill, in fact, that when Dave messaged you asking if it would be “totally dope” for him to swing by or not, you had to try very hard not to lose said chill. After your response of “the dopest,” he proceeded to imply that he had something important he wanted to discuss with you. Well, if several paragraphs that very nearly detailed the entire beginning, middle, and end of a thrilling action-adventure-murder-mystery-crime-noir-space-opera starring his train of thought opposite your brotherly advice counts as implying anything. The length of this particular tangent led you to believe that whatever he wants to talk about is serious, which makes the silence you’ve been sitting in since he arrived nearly twenty minutes ago all the more awkward. Not that it wasn’t plenty awkward all on its own. It’s been awkward from the moment you opened the door. 

Maybe the average person wouldn’t have noticed the way Dave’s shoulders tensed or his smile froze in place, going from relaxed and friendly to fake as plastic, but it was a glaring neon sign to you. Your own reaction was more overt, trailing off mid-sentence and letting your mouth press into a thin line. There was no way he didn’t pick up on that, so you both knew that he knew that you knew that something was wrong. You stood there in the awkwardness of that for a bit, trying to figure out if you could mention it without evaporating what little chill the two of you still had. You spent entirely too long standing there like that, you holding the door open and Dave a statue on the other side. Eventually, you decided against saying anything, opting instead to stand aside and give your brother room to enter. When he finally did start to move, it seemed incredibly forced. He took carefully controlled steps, the motion of his limbs constrained and labored. It almost looked like he was moving involuntarily. Like someone was jerking his strings. 

Yeah, something was seriously wrong. 

You followed him as he made his way to your couch. He took a seat on the far end, not-so-subtly leaning into the armrest, away from you. You followed suit, sitting on the opposite end, back straight and arms crossed over your chest. And here you still sit. Twenty minutes later. 

You decide enough is enough.

DIRK: ...  
DAVE: ...  
DIRK: ...  
DIRK: So.  
DIRK: You wanted to...  
DAVE:  
DIRK: Talk?  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: talk  
DAVE:  
DAVE: yeah   
DAVE: ...  
DIRK: ...  
DIRK: Well?  
DAVE:

This doesn’t seem to be working, and it’s far more likely that it’s making everything worse. You really have no idea what’s going on though, let alone what to do about it. Whatever it is you’re not equipped to deal with it at all right now, seeing as you weren’t expecting it. Dave seemed eager to come over and converse with you. You really don’t know what could have changed that. The uncertainty is driving you nuts, you just wish this situation made sense. 

You stare at him from the corner of your eye. Whatever he is, it's the polar opposite of okay. You thought  _ you _ were sitting still, but Dave is like the dead. You could almost swear he wasn’t even breathing. And his face? You’d say it was normal for seven years ago, maybe, but not now. Not after spending so much time with people who love him. Not after living under no obligations, living stress free. Not after living with Karkat. 

As you’re watching him, he opens and closes his mouth a few times. You’d say like a fish out of water, but it’s not often enough for that comparison to track. Then his mouth opens and it doesn’t close again. His breath hitches and he just stays that way. It’s like he’s trying to talk but the words just won’t come out. He’s frozen, a scratched CD.

But at this point you’re pretty sure he actually isn’t breathing anymore, and that shit just won’t fly. You’re going to have to actually do something about this.

DIRK: Hey man, are you alright?

You reach out to him, and he straight up flinches back. The movement was slight, but it was there. You stop. What the hell is going on?

Well actually, right now, it seems like what’s going on is Dave’s getting a whole lot worse. 

Moving toward him got him to look in your direction, but now that he’s looking at you this...whatever it is? His condition? It’s deteriorating fast. He’s keeping himself silent, but you can still see he’s starting to hyperventilate. Oh and look, there’s that fish out of water. It’s still kind of strange though. You think he’s stuck in some type of loop between the brink of actually breaking down on your sofa and completely closing his expression off in true Strider fashion. Is he legitimately shaking right now? What? 

You have literally never seen him this fucked up before. And yeah, it’s been some years since you’ve last seen him in person, but you know he’s been doing better. Rose sees him. Roxy sees him. They would have told you if they suspected anything was wrong. Really, the last time you’ve seen him look anywhere  _ near _ this bad was...

Oh.

_ Fuck. _

You look over your left shoulder, to the mirror on the wall. It’s been a while since you’ve sat down and had a real feelings jam about his Bro, but you remember how he described him well enough. You can’t help but notice the resemblance. You kind of panic. Your hands fly to your face, ripping off your shades and your hat. Dave doesn’t seem to appreciate the quick movement, but he does visibly lose a bit of tension when the shades come off. Not enough, though. He looks more confused than relieved. You try reassuring him, putting as much emotion in your voice as is physically possible for you. It’s not a lot, but you’re willing to bet it’s a hell of a lot more than he ever got from his “guardian.” 

DIRK: It’s me.  
DIRK: It’s just me.  
DIRK: Dirk.

He exhales and all the tension rolls off of him and down into the sofa. Slowly, the shaking lulls to a stop. His face settles on the classic stoic mask. He leans back now, shades locked onto the ceiling. He’s quiet again, but you’ll take that over what was happening before, easy. Eventually he opens his mouth, and this time words actually do make their way out. 

DAVE: i know dude  
DAVE: youre fine  
DAVE: haha like its totally chill  
DAVE: absolutely nothin goin on here   
DAVE: nothin to worry your pretty little head over  
DAVE: dont even sweat it  
DAVE: no emotional breakdowns here no siree   
DAVE: panic attack?  
DAVE: do you think i know her?  
DAVE: sorry but nah   
DAVE: nothin runnin in this head except the sonorous supple sounds of the kim possible theme song  
DAVE: talk about a perfect score  
DAVE: the power  
DAVE: the theming  
DAVE: the flair for the dramatique   
DAVE: its art  
DAVE: and clearly im talking about the full version here im not on that normie shit  
DAVE: theres nothing more iconic than the end of the second bridge  
DAVE: nothin but silence after the if you just call my name  
DAVE: silence and beeps  
DAVE: because you KNOW  
DAVE: you KNOW who you can call no matter where or when theres trouble  
DAVE: and let me give you a hint  
DAVE: it aint the ghostbusters  
DAVE: its kim  
DAVE: fucking  
DAVE: possible   
DAVE: dun da nun...   
DAVE: and dont even get me started on the fuckin naked mole rap  
DAVE: well be here all goddamn day im warning you right here and now  
DAVE: do you want that?  
DAVE: is that how youd like to spend the rest of your day?  
DAVE: is that what you want?  
DAVE: to listen to me spout more bullshit?  
DAVE: is that what you want from me?  
DAVE: is  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: i

His face crumples, that much is clear even behind the shades covering his eyes. You don’t get that long of a look before he curls in on himself, head falling to his lap, arms wrapping around his knees. He’s not making a sound, but from his erratic breathing and occasional jolts it’s pretty clear to you that he’s crying. More like sobbing actually. He’s sobbing. Sobbing is occurring. 

Next to you. 

On your couch. 

In your living room. 

In your house. 

And your bro is doing said sobbing. 

And you’re to blame for it. 

What do you...do? You’re torn between trying to awkwardly console him or joining him in mental breakdown land. Evidently you settle on nothing at all. So this is cool. This is a totally cool thing that is happening right now. Hey is that a new dent in the wall? Huh. Never noticed. After quite a bit of staring at this super interesting wall dent, you’re called back to reality by Dave’s muffled voice. You don’t have to look at him to know he hasn’t moved at all.

DAVE: everything is  
DAVE: gucci  
DAVE: 👌🏽

You want to ask him how he did that with his mouth. Yeah, you’re going to ask him how he did that with his mouth.

DIRK: How did you do that with your mouth?  
DAVE: dont worry about it

Before you can question him again he’s standing, the abrupt movement drawing your eyes back to him. His head is turned mostly towards you, but you’d bet everything you own that he’s not really looking at you. 

DAVE: well this sure has been swell  
DAVE: just dandy   
DAVE: peachy even  
DAVE: but im gonna uhhhhh...  
DAVE: head out  
DIRK: Yeah okay.  
DIRK: Didn’t you want to talk or...  
DIRK: I don’t know it just seemed like you had something important to get off your chest.   
DAVE: we can do that another time  
DAVE: ill be alright it can wait  
DAVE: barack knows its waited plenty already  
DAVE: so  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: yeah

You want to say you’re surprised by that turn of phrase, but you really aren’t. You’re not going to argue about him leaving, though. It seems to be the wisest move at the moment. You stand up, ready to see him out, but he isn’t moving. He’s still half looking at you, almost like he’s waiting for something. Is he waiting for...your approval? Yikes.

DIRK: Alright man if you say so.

He lets out the smallest sigh of relief and swiftly sees himself out, your “I guess I’ll see you around” having absolutely no chance of making it past your lips in time. So there you are, left standing alone in the middle of your living room.

You just kinda...sink back down into your couch. You really only have one thought running through your head right now. 

What on earth was all of that?

Well… 

That’s not entirely true, is it? Because as usual there’s your constant background noise of all the ways in which you suck, but it is particularly  _ loud _ right now. How could it not be? You are  _ literally _ to blame for everything that just happened. 

How could you do that to Dave? Are you an idiot? Well, of course you are, because no one short of an idiot could have let himself essentially physically  _ become _ the guy responsible for all the bullshit your bro had to live through, and then  _ invite said bro into his home. _ Sure you were inevitably going to look like him considering you literally are him, but there were things you could have done. Or not done. Yeah you finally grew into them, but did you really need to start wearing your hats? Are you serious? Has it really been that long? How could you have not seen this coming, not thought this through? You’re worse than an idiot. You’re filth. 

And now you know Dave’s never going to speak to you again. You really don’t blame him. Honestly, maybe that’s the best part. He won’t have to deal with your bullshit ever again. If only you could be so lucky. God, no matter where you go, no matter what you do, you are always going to be haunted by the worst evil in this world. Your own goddamn self. You’d ask what you did to deserve this but uh, ding ding ding, you clearly deserve this just by being you. 

So congratulations! Here’s your prize: an eternity served cold. Living forever more and more alone with each passing breath, the only company you’re ever going to have coming in the form of your own splintered mind. Inevitably each and every one of your friends is going to see the truth, like Dave has. That they should leave you. Really, they should run from you. It’s what you deserve. You wish you had the luxury of running from you, too. 

Ah, and there it is. That good old, dependable, selfish train of thought. You don’t get to think like that, Dirk. You don’t get to run away. You’re not allowed to prance around the way you do, destroying everything in your wake, just to hide away in the shadows like you’re not the monster that belongs there. How predictable. No, you can’t run from this. You are this. It’s you. 

You. 

You really are a piece of work, you know that?

You don’t deserve any of your friends.

You shouldn’t be here, ruining their lives.

You might as well just- 

You jump. Before you can really,  _ really _ get into the nitty gritty of it all, your pocket chimes, jolting you out of the hole your brain was busy burying itself six feet under in. It seems a chum is pestering you. You’re actually a bit surprised to see that it’s Dave.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at 16:28 --  
  
TG: stop that  
TT: What?  
TG: you heard me  
TG: that shit youre currently doing right now?  
TG: stop it  
TT: ...  
TT: I’m sorry?  
TG: yeah i know you are  
TG: thats the problem   
TG: dont play dumb  
TG: ignoring how much that very concept makes you cringe  
TG: oh jeez oh perish the thought   
TG: god forbid anyone think that dirk strider is quote unquote dumb  
TG: but anyhoo  
TG: i know for a fact your minds pulling a sick 360 noscope bigspin kickflip right off the goddamn handle at this very moment   
TG: and im gonna need you to uh  
TG: cut that shit out  
TG: sick as it may be  
TG: its probably time to put that shit to bed  
TG: give it its blankey and a nice warm bowl of chicken noods  
TG: cause its deadly affliction has got to stop  
TG: i mean   
TG: its been dragging on for months  
TG: all the finest doctors and nurses come in and done not jack nor shit  
TG: but you wont lose faith  
TG: you march right into that shits room  
TG: stroll on up to its bed  
TG: and give it the best goddamn chicken noodle soup to ever grace the world with its presence   
TG: and with all the strength of a bedridden victorian tot it looks you dead in the eyes and asks  
TG: am i going to die papa?  
TG: but you just pat its little head and let it know whats up  
TG: that youve got this shit  
TG: and under no circumstances is this illness going last anywhere near long enough for all that  
TG: because youre gonna cut that shit out right now immediately  
TG: understood?  
TT: Oh, absolutely.   
TT: I’ll get right on that.   
TT: My bad, dude.  
TT: How stupid of me to assume that I may be responsible for...  
TT: What happened earlier.   
TT: Obviously that assumption was completely unfounded.   
TG: i mean yeah  
TG: it kinda was  
TG: dunno what to tell you  
TT: Naturally.  
TT: Well, this clearly means that my brain was doing no ollies and absolutely no outies.   
TT: Seeing as nothing would have set it off, scoped or no.   
TT: So I arrive back at my original question:  
TT: What?  
TG: hey man dont make me get all real and wild on this poor sweet sunday afternoon   
TG: thats the last thing either of us wants or needs  
TG: not to mention its done nothing to deserve it   
TG: look at this darling little technically beginning of the week but feels like the ass end slow and smooth as molasses day  
TG: it doesnt need shit popping off left and right it needs long relaxing bubble baths paired with wine and cheese platters   
TG: so dont you dare make me do it to em   
TG: because i swear to you i absolutely will  
TT: I could very well say the same to you, bro.   
TT: Because if we want to get real there’s always the gargantuan elephant in the room.   
TT: Really the only thing stopping us from being crushed under the weight of its giant leathery ass is blissful ironic detachment.  
TT: So I’d say best not throw peanuts in this glass big top.  
TG: well  
TG: you got me  
TG: seen right through my bulletproof reverse psychology gambit   
TG: so   
TG: heres the thing  
TG: consider this  
TG: mayhaps   
TG: possibly   
TG: what i wanna do actually  
TG: is just make it absolutely rain glass peanuts or whatever   
TG: watch out fabiana bizarro   
TG: the safety nets gone and i warned you about the fairs bro  
TT: You told me dog.  
TG: nice  
TT: Nice.  
TG: but yeah  
TG: i guess what im really wanting to get at is  
TG: sorry   
TG: about all that earlier  
TG: it wasnt very cash money of me im not gonna lie  
TG: like out of all the ways that could have gone  
TG: i think awkward 20 minute silence followed immediately by uh  
TG: that  
TG: was the worst possible fucking outcome  
TG: so yeah i didnt mean for that to happen   
TG: like at all  
TG: obviously   
TG: so yeah sorry about all that  
TG: are we plannin on contributing to the class or am i just lecturing to an empty hall here?  
TT: I’m trying to wrap my head around the fact that you felt you had to apologize for anything that happened today.  
TT: Quite frankly it just ain’t happening.  
TT: You’re sorry?  
TT: You?  
TG: yeah me  
TG: there was absolutely no reason for me to go all overboard (1987) on you like i fell right the fuck off the boat and then couldnt tell nothin from no one   
TG: and then got coerced into being a mom slave for a handsome if not extremely creepy carpenter man and his four devil children?  
TG: whatever   
TG: it was stupid  
TG: youre dirk i know you dare i say i even trust you  
TG: so yeah   
TG: im sorry i acted like i didnt back there  
TT: Dave.  
TT: Only you could spin me causing you to have a trauma induced panic attack into being your fault somehow.  
TT: It’s quite simple actually.  
TT: I should have known better.   
TT: There is absolutely no excuse for me putting you in that situation.   
TT: Q.E.D this is all my fault.   
TT: And if anybody should be apologizing it’s me.  
TT: So.  
TT: I’m sorry.   
TG: dude   
TG: you didnt do anything wrong  
TG: all you did was exist homes and you are NOT about to apologize for that weve been through this  
TG: do you need me to spell it out for you again?  
TG: cause i guess where doing this man  
TG: youre not my bro  
TG: and nothing he did will ever exist in the same realm as things that are even remotely your fault  
TG: and so i arrive back at my original statement  
TG: stop that  
TT: ...  
TT: Alright, I guess.  
TG: you guess?  
TT: I guess.   
TT: But honestly who cares about how I’m feeling right now.  
TT: The important thing here is are you alright?  
TG: i could send you an itemized list of all the people who would care about your mental state rn and my name would be at the top my guy  
TG: but uhhh...  
TG: ...  
TG: i guess if were being sincere for once in our lives  
TG: ...  
TG: im...  
TG: no  
TG: not really   
TG: im not  
TG: but thats okay  
TT: See, in what universe is that okay?  
TG: its okay because ill be fine  
TG: this will all blow over and then we can go back to being the coolest dudes around  
TG: watch  
TT: Yeah.  
TT: Okay.

You can’t think of anything to say, after that. Remarkably, it seems that Dave’s at a loss for words as well. So you guess that conversation’s over. 

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 16:54 --

To be honest, you really don’t know how to feel about it. At all. But you do know two things. You know that you’re not okay, and you know that he’s not okay. 

You don’t know how to fix this. 

**Author's Note:**

> If you wanna talk about the fic or this world or something my tumblr is notsoheadless.


End file.
